Felling so alone....

   This weekend has not been good at all!!! Not so much with the alcoholism or anything. Just family bullshit... But tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.
   First off, my fiance' and brother both are telling me that alcoholism is not a disease. GOOGLE IT!!!! And trust me fellas... I know a lot more about it than you do. I have done my research. They ask me, "well, why don't you just stop drinking?". Okay, go ask a cancer patient why they can't just stop having cancer?... FUCKING IDIOTS!!!! One builds fences and the other makes pizzas. I don't think they had to get a PHD for that!!! Don't fucking tell me when I have read up on it and done tons of research. Let alone lived through it myself!!! Yes, K did use to drink like a fish in his teen years but he doesn't have an alcoholic gene in his body. If he did, he would have had to sought out help just like I am  doing now in order for him to stop.
    Then to top it off, K says he supports me and blah blah but he won't read one little tidbit of information that I looked up or him so that maybe he would have a better understanding? He straight up fucking REFUSED to read it. ONE god damned page on the computer... And god forbid I ask him to go to the open meetings and al-anon group. he only wants to go every other Saturday because we play poker after the meeting.
   If he doesn't step up and start making an effort to better US (my alcoholism effected and is still effecting him now) we are going to start drifting apart. That's the last thing I want. This man is the love of my life and the father of my child.
   I wouldn't be trying to shove this down his throat if I didn't think him not getting involved wouldn't effect our relationship. But it will...

   Well, enough ranting for now. Goodnight!!

  REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Where to Start?....

 My name is Anna and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I'm 26 years old and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a fiance' whom I love with all my heart. He loves me just as much as I love him. You may be wondering, "Well, if you have all these things, why turn to drugs or alcohol?" I can answer that with one simple word... SELFISHNESS! 

   So let's rewind to my teenage years. I had no cares in the world. I had a TON of friends and life for me was great!! Little did I know, I was slowly going down into a spiral. I had no idea how the things i was doing were going to effect me later on in life. All I knew was that I was having the time of my life doing what every other normal teen I knew was doing. Which was drinking, smoking pot, taking pills and doing a bit of meth here and there.
 Needless to say, all of those are the reason I didn't graduate high school. After not graduating my self esteem went so far down so fast. That was my first "trigger". I thought all I had left were my junky friends and my drugs and liquor. So that's all I did. At this time I was into meth really bad. So bad that one of my friends had to spoon feed me applesauce because I hadn't eaten in 3 days.
    A year or 2 later I moved to westport where I was still drugging. I didn't really drink then.I was Way too far gone on meth by then. I stayed with a friend there for a while then I moved over to Kansas to stay with another friend who we will call P. She had an extra room and welcomed me with open arms. Oh yeah, and I had never met this woman until the night I moved in with her.. SMH... never the less, we hit it off. She too was addicted to meth. We became pretty close. She was a bit older. I was 17 and she was in her early 30's. Looking back on it now, the only thing we had in common was our drug of choice.
    About  7 or so months there I met a man who we'll call T.C.. We almost immediately got together. He spent most of his time at my apartment when I was trying to quit meth. I was doing VERY good. Then when the two of us decided to move to Indiana where his family was, we had one last "party" with his dad of all people. We were to leave the next morning so we tried to get some rest late that night. While we were resting, his father kept coming in the room thinking we had dealers coming to the window and trying to hide it from him because we didn't want to share with him. He was delirious at this point. By the time morning came T.C.'s father had to go to the emergency room for heart palpitations. We had to go and say goodbye to him in the hospital because we wanted to do dope one last time before we left.
   After that happened, I didn't touch the stuff for a long time.
     I will leave you with that for now. I'll continue my story tomorrow. We haven't even reached the iceberg let alone hit the tip of it.
     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Trying to stay strong

  It's late and I'm tires, so this is going to be short.. i just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing the best I can. I haven't drank in a month and a couple of weeks. For an alcoholic that seems like an eternity. I am still attending AA 5 nights a week  and am getting very involved.
  I am so blessed to have this program at my disposal. It has been like being woken up from a bad dream. Don't get me wrong, it's not all flowers and rainbows..IT'S STILL HARD AS HELL some days. But now when I get a craving o urge to drink I at least stop and think of all of the consequences (i know that's not spelled right..) and those overpower the urge.
  i have been giving coping skills and now know that i am not alone, I'm not crazy. there are millions of alcoholics out there that are and were way worse than i was.. it really is awesome and i would tell anyone who thinks they may have even the smallest idea that may have or may be forming a problem to go to a meeting and at least try it out. it's better to catch it early. Admitting that you might have a problem is hard..but to any younger people who are drinking every day, or even every other day, i would highly recommend going to just one meeting. And the joy of it is.. It's anonymous.. So you wouldn't have to tell a soul. im about to fall asleep typing.. So that's all for now. hell, I'm so tired, i wouldn't be surprised if some of this doesn't make sense... lol

 REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

A verse from a song that remindes me of my darkest od days

 I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out.
I cannot cry,  because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
 I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life.
My heart can't break, when it wasn't even whole to start with!!!
    This really reminds me of when nobody understood me and would do nothing but point out my faults. It hurt badly. And no, my heart was never whole because I never had that male figure around. Plus during my childhood some awful things happened to me. on top of all that, my mom was on drugs...
   Just thought I'd share. =)

 REMEMBER IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!!

Damn... I sstill have a LONG way to go!

   Today was a very humbling day for me. I was, and still am proud of myself. But the power of alcohol ALMOST got the best of me today. I had the biggest and most threatening craving for alcohol as soon as woke up this morning.
   It was so bad that I had to take my antianxiety medicine to try to calm me down. That didn't work, so I called my sponsor. Thank god for him!!! If it wasn't for, first off, me not giving into the temtation, and second me picking up that phone, I would have3 ended up drunk today.
  i am so greatful for the recorses and knowledge that AA has given me.
  It's funny though.. The other night a fellow AA member said that he head seen so many young people come in and been so enhusiastic and euphoric (which I was). He said that 99,9 % of those people either ended up in jail or dead...
   I of course thought, "That's not going to happen to me! I am serious about geting sober.". Well, I am not as great as I thought.. I had felt like I was already defeated by having such a craving!
  So my message to anyone who reads this and is trying to quit but can't or they just think  they can do it on their own, TRY AA!!!! If you find yourself drinking everyday wether it's just because or because you're so use to drinking in social situations, most of you will end up like me. Not all people who drink every other day is an alcoholic.. Hell maybe even those who have a couple drinks a day may not be.
  But if you find yourself sick of drinking and wondering why you have to do it as much as you do, you are probably an alcoholic... I'm no MD, it's just what I have learned.
   Anyways, I'm babbbeling. Time for bed!! =)

   REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Now I'm starting to get it...

  Now I'm going to skip forward  bit. The reason for this isn't because there are things I'd rather not talk about. It's because up to a month or so ago, it was just the same shit, different day.
  When things started to, I believe, happen due to a higher power is when I started to get a clue. I wasn't completely there and I'm still not. I am and always will be an alcoholic. But I did finally realize after this event took place that I needed help.
   I ended up kissing another man. I came clean to K. Of course I had to, it was the right thing to do and I couldn't live with that like nothing happened. We broke up for a few days. I was, as always, drunk when this happened. I felt like K was distancing himself from me and I needed some kind of comfort. Just someone to talk to. Well, talking let to making out. It didn't go further than that but it should have never even gotten that far.
  

    Now here comes the BIG reason for my wake up call... K threatened to take me to court to get custody of our daughter. If that had happened, I would have either ended up in a loony bin, dead from O.D.ing or dead by my own hands. So then and there I decided to start going to AA. It has so far done wonders for me. If anyone who is reading this believes that alcohol is stronger than themselves and it's turning their lives upside down, find the nearest AA and just try it out. It's not for everyone. But who knows? It may be a god send to you as it is to me.
    I am climbing a huge mountain right now and I'm still fairly close to the bottom of that mountain. but damn it, I AM going to reach the top someday. Even if it takes years, I plan on staying sober. I can't promise anyone anything. I am truly an alcoholic and that power it has on me is stronger than my willpower at times. It hasn't been so far but I haven't been sober long enough to preach or pat myself on the back.
   One minute, hour and day at a time.

    REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Prime examples of my wrong doings

 I have gone on and on about all the reasons/ excuses of why I was the way I was. This post is going to be about the things I remember doing and things I have been told that I have done... It's a long list, so sit back and get comfortable.
   Let's start with the things I do remember. One thing I did drunk was... We (K and I) went to his boss's annual fourth of July party. I got pretty fuckered up that night.
  Well, some girl stepped to my hubby like she was about to hit him so i hit her first, knocking her down, and then her guy friends all jumped in. I think i got a couple of swings on them too. So it was basically a mini riot. K's boss was drunk, lifted a huge log and busted it over some one's back not realizing it was his own brother. So yeah, K's boss was pretty pissed at me for starting the whole thing. Which I did.
   Another thing. I went to K's sisters house which was 2 houses down so I walked. I got LIT!!! I barley remember anything from that night. All I remember is being in  a shit ton of pain. I guess I was walking back and severely sprained my ankle.
  Let's see.. There have been a whole lot of not so fun drunken nights at K's sisters house. I have tried to fight her, I had knocked some guys back teeth out for being a smart ass. It got to the point to where she didn't even want me there anymore.
   Then there were the problems with my in laws. I had told both of them that they were piece of shit parents, piece of shit grandparents (which is far from the truth). I had actually knocked my 63 year old mom in law down. Granted I had my child in my arms and her hand was around my neck. But I could have and should have handled it differently.
  I had a really good friend who I will call L.P.H. I valued her friendship so much because I thought no matter what she would always be there and at least try to guide me in the right direction. I thought that was the type of friend she was. I guess I was just too much for her.
    Then we have my mother, M.  Her and I got into it one evening and I guess I threatened to beat her ass and said some other hurtful things. Then she said something that REALLY sent me over. So I launched across the room and grabbed her by the collar trying to pull her face to mine so I could seem like I had the upper hand. Well, I did. I now wish I hadn't. I didn't realize that I had such a strong hold that I was also choking her.
   Long story short, I sent her to the hospital. She has heart problems and was on the verge of a heart attack. All because I didn't like one thing she said.
     I have also punched K on several occasions. Said any and everything to hurt him as well. This man loves me more than I probably know. I use to think I didn't deserve him. But now I have a higher respect for myself as well as for others. AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!!!!!

     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

   So I left of in 2010... This is the year my relationships with everyone I knew began to shift and/or disappear. The only person who knew exactly how bad it was was my fiance', K. I knew I was letting him down and just didn't care. The REAL me, deep down inside screaming me, knew I HAD to make a change.But I was so far gone that I couldn't pull the real me out long enough to stop it.
  I began losing friends. FAST!! Who wanted a crazy drunken person who would start shit just to start shit around?... I know I wouldn't. I felt hurt which turned into anger. It was always easier to be angry because then I could turn my faults into someone else's.
   Then I began thinking, "If all these people hate me, maybe it would be better if I was just gone. For my daughter and everyone who still gave a shit. Maybe Everyone, including myself, would be better off if I was dead.". I never thought of getting help. I didn't think I deserved it and I didn't think it would help. I figured, this is me now, I'm just going to have to deal with it.
   So my drinking became an every day thing and so did the pills. I'm prescribed the pills, so those were VERY easy to get. I wasn't taking them as prescribed of course. Why would I? I had lost all of my friends and all the trust from my loved ones. It was easier to get fucked up and put my middle finger up to anyone and everyone who even looked at me sideways.
  That's all I have for now. I just woke up and my brain isn't working completely yet. I'll post more later.

    REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO  LATE!!!

 Okay, we left off with me having my daughter. She was the most perfect baby in the world!!! I had never been happier in my whole entire life. So basically I had kept experiencing happier and happier life events up to now. I didn't even think of doing meth. But I started taking my benzos again. I absolutely LOVED being a mother but it was still stressful.
  Now here's where things start going down hill for me.. One morning a few months after Madison was born K's grandma was found in a chair in our living room dead. I had NEVER lost anyone I loved. And I loved her dearly!! I could go to her and just BS with her, tell her how I was really feeling or ask her about recipes... She was such a pure soul. I still miss her like none other and think of her very often. This got me pissed at God. VERY pissed. That's never good. So I guess I started drinking more around this time. It was weird though... Now when I drank, I would become such a mean evil bitch!! I would say the worst things I could think of to my friends and even my family. Just to hurt them. I guess I wanted others to hurt like I was.
   So now I'm just getting use to the fact that I will never see grandma again. Then I find out my Aunt J who is like my second mother had stage 4 cancer. This was devastating to me. She was fading very fast. It was hard to watch. I love her like I love my mother and daughter. She didn't last long. The cancer was to far advanced and in a spot where the doctors couldn't get to it at all. She passed July 12 2009. This put me into a downward spiral like none other!! Everyone I knew told me I was headed to a bad place with the pills. the drinking was still my secondary problem. Although I had no place drinking because i would always blackout and fight people. I would also of course say anything I could to hurt anyone who was there.
   Then in July of 2010 my daughter who was only 20 months old had to have open heart surgery. I'm ashamed to say that I was fucked up on pills and alcohol after she got out of surgery and the ICU. Now during the surgery I was all pilled out.
   I had NO coping skills at the time while people I loved were dying and my daughter was going through all this tough shit that no child should ever have to go through. I havea great support system. I have no idea why I didn't use that instead of turning to my pills and alcohol. I guess the pills and alcohol made me numb to everything I didn't want to feel.
  She made it through it all though. She's my tough little angel baby. But I was not the mother I should have been. That is the most shameful time of my life. Now I was at the point where I was hiding my drinking. I was also stealing other pills from family. I was in a dark abyss. I felt like I was in the middle of one huge room full of people just screaming as loud as I could, yet nobody would even look up.
   So I will leave you with that for now. But trust me.. There is plenty more to come.

     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Where to Start? Part 2

 Okay, so I left off leaving for Indiana. We drove ALL day and ALL night with only a couple of stops (due to the dope I'm sure). We got there around 1 in the morning and I met his mom, step dad, sister and brother.
  Since T.C. wasn't a big part of my life, I'm going to make this a short one...
In a nut shell, I got a job and busted my ass. He also got a job but got fired not soon after. Then I found out from his sister that he was cheating with some dope ho who had her kids taken away and was doing nothing but getting high with my boyfriend and fucking him. So I got my last check from work and took the first Greyhound bus back home where I already had a job waiting for me. So all in all I was doing good for myself.
  When I got home, I got picked up from the station by my mom and went straight to work from there. When I got there I realized an old friend of mine worked there as well. So since my step dad and I didn't get along she invited me to stay with her. Then low and behold I found out ANOTHER old Friend lived just right around the corner from us. She had just had a baby so I spent time over there helping her out with her newborn. Through her I started seeing a shit ton of my old friends. I loved it!! After the Indiana bullshit I was very happy to be home and around nothing but familiar faces. At this time I would drink every now and then and smoke pot, nothing too serious. Then one day at my friends home around the corner was a guy I had known from when I was doing meth. He offered me some and I said no. This went on for about a week of him pressuring me and pressuring me. So I finally caved. I did a HUGE line and then wished I would have said yes the first time he asked. So I was back at square one. Then a very familiar face showed up. My BEST guy friend K showed up one day. We hung out almost every day after that. I always thought of him as "just a friend". Until one day my friend tried jocking on him. I then realized I HAD to have him!!! So He chose me of course. =) K is now my fiance' and the father of my child. I have known him for going on 11 years and been with him going on 8 years.
    Anyway, we all did dope together every day and every night. There wasn't a whole lot of alcohol involved then. Just A LOT of meth and pot.
   It didn't take long for K and I to become official. I fell in love with him so fast as did he with me. Soon I started to stay with him just about every night. I moved in with him a few months into the relationship and haven't spent more than a day without each other since.
  When I started staying with him is when we started selling meth. Looking back, we are SOOOO lucky we didn't get busted or even worse, killed. It was more fun selling it than it was ding it. We had thousands of dollars at a time. We could go anywhere and do anything we wanted. Those were the funnest times of my life... I just didn't realize what it was ding to me. For example, I always had perfect vision. I now need glasses. That's due to smoking meth.
I already had and still have generalized Anxiety Disorder, the meth amplified it by 100. I still to this day have that disorder but I don't think it would be as bad if I hadn't been so strung out. Like I said before, I was just a teenager who thought I was invincible having the time of her life. I didn't realize what the long term was going to be. And those are effed up eyes, an anxiety disorder amplified and deep dark depression. Don't get me wrong though, the rush of going out and making a sell all spun out and making easy peasy money was awesome... AT THE TIME.
   We did this for a few years then I found out I was pregnant. I stopped doing EVERYTHING at once. But I still lost the baby. I'm sure it was due to the condition my body was in from the drugs. So we both stopped the whole meth thing. We had some pissed off people who we would call "regulars". But I had priorities then. I then knew I wanted to be a momma and that couldn't happen unless I quit. Although I did know a couple of women who were pregnant and did meth throughout their pregnancies and had healthy babies. But I wasn't about to risk it. Plus if I wanted to be a mom I wanted to make sure i was a good and sober mom.
   I still smoked pot and took some pills but NEVER touched meth again.
Then I found out I was pregnant again. When I found that out I wouldn't take anything but my prenatal vitamins. LOL  Up to then I thought I had had the happiest times in my life. But there is no feeling or no drug that can compare to the feeling of a life growing inside of you. My pregnancy days were the happiest days/months of my whole entire life.
  I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of march of '08 and had her October 28th. Now THAT day was and still is the happiest day of my life!!! <3
  Well, I am beat, I'm going to sign off and go to bed. We're getting pretty damn close to the iceberg. I will continue in the morning.

  REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!