Felling so alone....

   This weekend has not been good at all!!! Not so much with the alcoholism or anything. Just family bullshit... But tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back.
   First off, my fiance' and brother both are telling me that alcoholism is not a disease. GOOGLE IT!!!! And trust me fellas... I know a lot more about it than you do. I have done my research. They ask me, "well, why don't you just stop drinking?". Okay, go ask a cancer patient why they can't just stop having cancer?... FUCKING IDIOTS!!!! One builds fences and the other makes pizzas. I don't think they had to get a PHD for that!!! Don't fucking tell me when I have read up on it and done tons of research. Let alone lived through it myself!!! Yes, K did use to drink like a fish in his teen years but he doesn't have an alcoholic gene in his body. If he did, he would have had to sought out help just like I am  doing now in order for him to stop.
    Then to top it off, K says he supports me and blah blah but he won't read one little tidbit of information that I looked up or him so that maybe he would have a better understanding? He straight up fucking REFUSED to read it. ONE god damned page on the computer... And god forbid I ask him to go to the open meetings and al-anon group. he only wants to go every other Saturday because we play poker after the meeting.
   If he doesn't step up and start making an effort to better US (my alcoholism effected and is still effecting him now) we are going to start drifting apart. That's the last thing I want. This man is the love of my life and the father of my child.
   I wouldn't be trying to shove this down his throat if I didn't think him not getting involved wouldn't effect our relationship. But it will...

   Well, enough ranting for now. Goodnight!!

  REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Where to Start?....

 My name is Anna and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I'm 26 years old and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a fiance' whom I love with all my heart. He loves me just as much as I love him. You may be wondering, "Well, if you have all these things, why turn to drugs or alcohol?" I can answer that with one simple word... SELFISHNESS! 

   So let's rewind to my teenage years. I had no cares in the world. I had a TON of friends and life for me was great!! Little did I know, I was slowly going down into a spiral. I had no idea how the things i was doing were going to effect me later on in life. All I knew was that I was having the time of my life doing what every other normal teen I knew was doing. Which was drinking, smoking pot, taking pills and doing a bit of meth here and there.
 Needless to say, all of those are the reason I didn't graduate high school. After not graduating my self esteem went so far down so fast. That was my first "trigger". I thought all I had left were my junky friends and my drugs and liquor. So that's all I did. At this time I was into meth really bad. So bad that one of my friends had to spoon feed me applesauce because I hadn't eaten in 3 days.
    A year or 2 later I moved to westport where I was still drugging. I didn't really drink then.I was Way too far gone on meth by then. I stayed with a friend there for a while then I moved over to Kansas to stay with another friend who we will call P. She had an extra room and welcomed me with open arms. Oh yeah, and I had never met this woman until the night I moved in with her.. SMH... never the less, we hit it off. She too was addicted to meth. We became pretty close. She was a bit older. I was 17 and she was in her early 30's. Looking back on it now, the only thing we had in common was our drug of choice.
    About  7 or so months there I met a man who we'll call T.C.. We almost immediately got together. He spent most of his time at my apartment when I was trying to quit meth. I was doing VERY good. Then when the two of us decided to move to Indiana where his family was, we had one last "party" with his dad of all people. We were to leave the next morning so we tried to get some rest late that night. While we were resting, his father kept coming in the room thinking we had dealers coming to the window and trying to hide it from him because we didn't want to share with him. He was delirious at this point. By the time morning came T.C.'s father had to go to the emergency room for heart palpitations. We had to go and say goodbye to him in the hospital because we wanted to do dope one last time before we left.
   After that happened, I didn't touch the stuff for a long time.
     I will leave you with that for now. I'll continue my story tomorrow. We haven't even reached the iceberg let alone hit the tip of it.
     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Trying to stay strong

  It's late and I'm tires, so this is going to be short.. i just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing the best I can. I haven't drank in a month and a couple of weeks. For an alcoholic that seems like an eternity. I am still attending AA 5 nights a week  and am getting very involved.
  I am so blessed to have this program at my disposal. It has been like being woken up from a bad dream. Don't get me wrong, it's not all flowers and rainbows..IT'S STILL HARD AS HELL some days. But now when I get a craving o urge to drink I at least stop and think of all of the consequences (i know that's not spelled right..) and those overpower the urge.
  i have been giving coping skills and now know that i am not alone, I'm not crazy. there are millions of alcoholics out there that are and were way worse than i was.. it really is awesome and i would tell anyone who thinks they may have even the smallest idea that may have or may be forming a problem to go to a meeting and at least try it out. it's better to catch it early. Admitting that you might have a problem is hard..but to any younger people who are drinking every day, or even every other day, i would highly recommend going to just one meeting. And the joy of it is.. It's anonymous.. So you wouldn't have to tell a soul. im about to fall asleep typing.. So that's all for now. hell, I'm so tired, i wouldn't be surprised if some of this doesn't make sense... lol

 REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

A verse from a song that remindes me of my darkest od days

 I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out.
I cannot cry,  because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
 I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life.
My heart can't break, when it wasn't even whole to start with!!!
    This really reminds me of when nobody understood me and would do nothing but point out my faults. It hurt badly. And no, my heart was never whole because I never had that male figure around. Plus during my childhood some awful things happened to me. on top of all that, my mom was on drugs...
   Just thought I'd share. =)

 REMEMBER IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!!

Damn... I sstill have a LONG way to go!

   Today was a very humbling day for me. I was, and still am proud of myself. But the power of alcohol ALMOST got the best of me today. I had the biggest and most threatening craving for alcohol as soon as woke up this morning.
   It was so bad that I had to take my antianxiety medicine to try to calm me down. That didn't work, so I called my sponsor. Thank god for him!!! If it wasn't for, first off, me not giving into the temtation, and second me picking up that phone, I would have3 ended up drunk today.
  i am so greatful for the recorses and knowledge that AA has given me.
  It's funny though.. The other night a fellow AA member said that he head seen so many young people come in and been so enhusiastic and euphoric (which I was). He said that 99,9 % of those people either ended up in jail or dead...
   I of course thought, "That's not going to happen to me! I am serious about geting sober.". Well, I am not as great as I thought.. I had felt like I was already defeated by having such a craving!
  So my message to anyone who reads this and is trying to quit but can't or they just think  they can do it on their own, TRY AA!!!! If you find yourself drinking everyday wether it's just because or because you're so use to drinking in social situations, most of you will end up like me. Not all people who drink every other day is an alcoholic.. Hell maybe even those who have a couple drinks a day may not be.
  But if you find yourself sick of drinking and wondering why you have to do it as much as you do, you are probably an alcoholic... I'm no MD, it's just what I have learned.
   Anyways, I'm babbbeling. Time for bed!! =)

   REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Now I'm starting to get it...

  Now I'm going to skip forward  bit. The reason for this isn't because there are things I'd rather not talk about. It's because up to a month or so ago, it was just the same shit, different day.
  When things started to, I believe, happen due to a higher power is when I started to get a clue. I wasn't completely there and I'm still not. I am and always will be an alcoholic. But I did finally realize after this event took place that I needed help.
   I ended up kissing another man. I came clean to K. Of course I had to, it was the right thing to do and I couldn't live with that like nothing happened. We broke up for a few days. I was, as always, drunk when this happened. I felt like K was distancing himself from me and I needed some kind of comfort. Just someone to talk to. Well, talking let to making out. It didn't go further than that but it should have never even gotten that far.
  

    Now here comes the BIG reason for my wake up call... K threatened to take me to court to get custody of our daughter. If that had happened, I would have either ended up in a loony bin, dead from O.D.ing or dead by my own hands. So then and there I decided to start going to AA. It has so far done wonders for me. If anyone who is reading this believes that alcohol is stronger than themselves and it's turning their lives upside down, find the nearest AA and just try it out. It's not for everyone. But who knows? It may be a god send to you as it is to me.
    I am climbing a huge mountain right now and I'm still fairly close to the bottom of that mountain. but damn it, I AM going to reach the top someday. Even if it takes years, I plan on staying sober. I can't promise anyone anything. I am truly an alcoholic and that power it has on me is stronger than my willpower at times. It hasn't been so far but I haven't been sober long enough to preach or pat myself on the back.
   One minute, hour and day at a time.

    REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!

Prime examples of my wrong doings

 I have gone on and on about all the reasons/ excuses of why I was the way I was. This post is going to be about the things I remember doing and things I have been told that I have done... It's a long list, so sit back and get comfortable.
   Let's start with the things I do remember. One thing I did drunk was... We (K and I) went to his boss's annual fourth of July party. I got pretty fuckered up that night.
  Well, some girl stepped to my hubby like she was about to hit him so i hit her first, knocking her down, and then her guy friends all jumped in. I think i got a couple of swings on them too. So it was basically a mini riot. K's boss was drunk, lifted a huge log and busted it over some one's back not realizing it was his own brother. So yeah, K's boss was pretty pissed at me for starting the whole thing. Which I did.
   Another thing. I went to K's sisters house which was 2 houses down so I walked. I got LIT!!! I barley remember anything from that night. All I remember is being in  a shit ton of pain. I guess I was walking back and severely sprained my ankle.
  Let's see.. There have been a whole lot of not so fun drunken nights at K's sisters house. I have tried to fight her, I had knocked some guys back teeth out for being a smart ass. It got to the point to where she didn't even want me there anymore.
   Then there were the problems with my in laws. I had told both of them that they were piece of shit parents, piece of shit grandparents (which is far from the truth). I had actually knocked my 63 year old mom in law down. Granted I had my child in my arms and her hand was around my neck. But I could have and should have handled it differently.
  I had a really good friend who I will call L.P.H. I valued her friendship so much because I thought no matter what she would always be there and at least try to guide me in the right direction. I thought that was the type of friend she was. I guess I was just too much for her.
    Then we have my mother, M.  Her and I got into it one evening and I guess I threatened to beat her ass and said some other hurtful things. Then she said something that REALLY sent me over. So I launched across the room and grabbed her by the collar trying to pull her face to mine so I could seem like I had the upper hand. Well, I did. I now wish I hadn't. I didn't realize that I had such a strong hold that I was also choking her.
   Long story short, I sent her to the hospital. She has heart problems and was on the verge of a heart attack. All because I didn't like one thing she said.
     I have also punched K on several occasions. Said any and everything to hurt him as well. This man loves me more than I probably know. I use to think I didn't deserve him. But now I have a higher respect for myself as well as for others. AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!!!!!

     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!