Okay, we left off with me having my daughter. She was the most perfect baby in the world!!! I had never been happier in my whole entire life. So basically I had kept experiencing happier and happier life events up to now. I didn't even think of doing meth. But I started taking my benzos again. I absolutely LOVED being a mother but it was still stressful.
  Now here's where things start going down hill for me.. One morning a few months after Madison was born K's grandma was found in a chair in our living room dead. I had NEVER lost anyone I loved. And I loved her dearly!! I could go to her and just BS with her, tell her how I was really feeling or ask her about recipes... She was such a pure soul. I still miss her like none other and think of her very often. This got me pissed at God. VERY pissed. That's never good. So I guess I started drinking more around this time. It was weird though... Now when I drank, I would become such a mean evil bitch!! I would say the worst things I could think of to my friends and even my family. Just to hurt them. I guess I wanted others to hurt like I was.
   So now I'm just getting use to the fact that I will never see grandma again. Then I find out my Aunt J who is like my second mother had stage 4 cancer. This was devastating to me. She was fading very fast. It was hard to watch. I love her like I love my mother and daughter. She didn't last long. The cancer was to far advanced and in a spot where the doctors couldn't get to it at all. She passed July 12 2009. This put me into a downward spiral like none other!! Everyone I knew told me I was headed to a bad place with the pills. the drinking was still my secondary problem. Although I had no place drinking because i would always blackout and fight people. I would also of course say anything I could to hurt anyone who was there.
   Then in July of 2010 my daughter who was only 20 months old had to have open heart surgery. I'm ashamed to say that I was fucked up on pills and alcohol after she got out of surgery and the ICU. Now during the surgery I was all pilled out.
   I had NO coping skills at the time while people I loved were dying and my daughter was going through all this tough shit that no child should ever have to go through. I havea great support system. I have no idea why I didn't use that instead of turning to my pills and alcohol. I guess the pills and alcohol made me numb to everything I didn't want to feel.
  She made it through it all though. She's my tough little angel baby. But I was not the mother I should have been. That is the most shameful time of my life. Now I was at the point where I was hiding my drinking. I was also stealing other pills from family. I was in a dark abyss. I felt like I was in the middle of one huge room full of people just screaming as loud as I could, yet nobody would even look up.
   So I will leave you with that for now. But trust me.. There is plenty more to come.

     REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!