So I left of in 2010... This is the year my relationships with everyone I knew began to shift and/or disappear. The only person who knew exactly how bad it was was my fiance', K. I knew I was letting him down and just didn't care. The REAL me, deep down inside screaming me, knew I HAD to make a change.But I was so far gone that I couldn't pull the real me out long enough to stop it.
I began losing friends. FAST!! Who wanted a crazy drunken person who would start shit just to start shit around?... I know I wouldn't. I felt hurt which turned into anger. It was always easier to be angry because then I could turn my faults into someone else's.
Then I began thinking, "If all these people hate me, maybe it would be better if I was just gone. For my daughter and everyone who still gave a shit. Maybe Everyone, including myself, would be better off if I was dead.". I never thought of getting help. I didn't think I deserved it and I didn't think it would help. I figured, this is me now, I'm just going to have to deal with it.
So my drinking became an every day thing and so did the pills. I'm prescribed the pills, so those were VERY easy to get. I wasn't taking them as prescribed of course. Why would I? I had lost all of my friends and all the trust from my loved ones. It was easier to get fucked up and put my middle finger up to anyone and everyone who even looked at me sideways.
That's all I have for now. I just woke up and my brain isn't working completely yet. I'll post more later.
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Okay, we left off with me having my daughter. She was the most perfect baby in the world!!! I had never been happier in my whole entire life. So basically I had kept experiencing happier and happier life events up to now. I didn't even think of doing meth. But I started taking my benzos again. I absolutely LOVED being a mother but it was still stressful.
Now here's where things start going down hill for me.. One morning a few months after Madison was born K's grandma was found in a chair in our living room dead. I had NEVER lost anyone I loved. And I loved her dearly!! I could go to her and just BS with her, tell her how I was really feeling or ask her about recipes... She was such a pure soul. I still miss her like none other and think of her very often. This got me pissed at God. VERY pissed. That's never good. So I guess I started drinking more around this time. It was weird though... Now when I drank, I would become such a mean evil bitch!! I would say the worst things I could think of to my friends and even my family. Just to hurt them. I guess I wanted others to hurt like I was.
So now I'm just getting use to the fact that I will never see grandma again. Then I find out my Aunt J who is like my second mother had stage 4 cancer. This was devastating to me. She was fading very fast. It was hard to watch. I love her like I love my mother and daughter. She didn't last long. The cancer was to far advanced and in a spot where the doctors couldn't get to it at all. She passed July 12 2009. This put me into a downward spiral like none other!! Everyone I knew told me I was headed to a bad place with the pills. the drinking was still my secondary problem. Although I had no place drinking because i would always blackout and fight people. I would also of course say anything I could to hurt anyone who was there.
Then in July of 2010 my daughter who was only 20 months old had to have open heart surgery. I'm ashamed to say that I was fucked up on pills and alcohol after she got out of surgery and the ICU. Now during the surgery I was all pilled out.
I had NO coping skills at the time while people I loved were dying and my daughter was going through all this tough shit that no child should ever have to go through. I havea great support system. I have no idea why I didn't use that instead of turning to my pills and alcohol. I guess the pills and alcohol made me numb to everything I didn't want to feel.
She made it through it all though. She's my tough little angel baby. But I was not the mother I should have been. That is the most shameful time of my life. Now I was at the point where I was hiding my drinking. I was also stealing other pills from family. I was in a dark abyss. I felt like I was in the middle of one huge room full of people just screaming as loud as I could, yet nobody would even look up.
So I will leave you with that for now. But trust me.. There is plenty more to come.
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Now here's where things start going down hill for me.. One morning a few months after Madison was born K's grandma was found in a chair in our living room dead. I had NEVER lost anyone I loved. And I loved her dearly!! I could go to her and just BS with her, tell her how I was really feeling or ask her about recipes... She was such a pure soul. I still miss her like none other and think of her very often. This got me pissed at God. VERY pissed. That's never good. So I guess I started drinking more around this time. It was weird though... Now when I drank, I would become such a mean evil bitch!! I would say the worst things I could think of to my friends and even my family. Just to hurt them. I guess I wanted others to hurt like I was.
So now I'm just getting use to the fact that I will never see grandma again. Then I find out my Aunt J who is like my second mother had stage 4 cancer. This was devastating to me. She was fading very fast. It was hard to watch. I love her like I love my mother and daughter. She didn't last long. The cancer was to far advanced and in a spot where the doctors couldn't get to it at all. She passed July 12 2009. This put me into a downward spiral like none other!! Everyone I knew told me I was headed to a bad place with the pills. the drinking was still my secondary problem. Although I had no place drinking because i would always blackout and fight people. I would also of course say anything I could to hurt anyone who was there.
Then in July of 2010 my daughter who was only 20 months old had to have open heart surgery. I'm ashamed to say that I was fucked up on pills and alcohol after she got out of surgery and the ICU. Now during the surgery I was all pilled out.
I had NO coping skills at the time while people I loved were dying and my daughter was going through all this tough shit that no child should ever have to go through. I havea great support system. I have no idea why I didn't use that instead of turning to my pills and alcohol. I guess the pills and alcohol made me numb to everything I didn't want to feel.
She made it through it all though. She's my tough little angel baby. But I was not the mother I should have been. That is the most shameful time of my life. Now I was at the point where I was hiding my drinking. I was also stealing other pills from family. I was in a dark abyss. I felt like I was in the middle of one huge room full of people just screaming as loud as I could, yet nobody would even look up.
So I will leave you with that for now. But trust me.. There is plenty more to come.
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Where to Start? Part 2
Okay, so I left off leaving for Indiana. We drove ALL day and ALL night with only a couple of stops (due to the dope I'm sure). We got there around 1 in the morning and I met his mom, step dad, sister and brother.
Since T.C. wasn't a big part of my life, I'm going to make this a short one...
In a nut shell, I got a job and busted my ass. He also got a job but got fired not soon after. Then I found out from his sister that he was cheating with some dope ho who had her kids taken away and was doing nothing but getting high with my boyfriend and fucking him. So I got my last check from work and took the first Greyhound bus back home where I already had a job waiting for me. So all in all I was doing good for myself.
When I got home, I got picked up from the station by my mom and went straight to work from there. When I got there I realized an old friend of mine worked there as well. So since my step dad and I didn't get along she invited me to stay with her. Then low and behold I found out ANOTHER old Friend lived just right around the corner from us. She had just had a baby so I spent time over there helping her out with her newborn. Through her I started seeing a shit ton of my old friends. I loved it!! After the Indiana bullshit I was very happy to be home and around nothing but familiar faces. At this time I would drink every now and then and smoke pot, nothing too serious. Then one day at my friends home around the corner was a guy I had known from when I was doing meth. He offered me some and I said no. This went on for about a week of him pressuring me and pressuring me. So I finally caved. I did a HUGE line and then wished I would have said yes the first time he asked. So I was back at square one. Then a very familiar face showed up. My BEST guy friend K showed up one day. We hung out almost every day after that. I always thought of him as "just a friend". Until one day my friend tried jocking on him. I then realized I HAD to have him!!! So He chose me of course. =) K is now my fiance' and the father of my child. I have known him for going on 11 years and been with him going on 8 years.
Anyway, we all did dope together every day and every night. There wasn't a whole lot of alcohol involved then. Just A LOT of meth and pot.
It didn't take long for K and I to become official. I fell in love with him so fast as did he with me. Soon I started to stay with him just about every night. I moved in with him a few months into the relationship and haven't spent more than a day without each other since.
When I started staying with him is when we started selling meth. Looking back, we are SOOOO lucky we didn't get busted or even worse, killed. It was more fun selling it than it was ding it. We had thousands of dollars at a time. We could go anywhere and do anything we wanted. Those were the funnest times of my life... I just didn't realize what it was ding to me. For example, I always had perfect vision. I now need glasses. That's due to smoking meth.
I already had and still have generalized Anxiety Disorder, the meth amplified it by 100. I still to this day have that disorder but I don't think it would be as bad if I hadn't been so strung out. Like I said before, I was just a teenager who thought I was invincible having the time of her life. I didn't realize what the long term was going to be. And those are effed up eyes, an anxiety disorder amplified and deep dark depression. Don't get me wrong though, the rush of going out and making a sell all spun out and making easy peasy money was awesome... AT THE TIME.
We did this for a few years then I found out I was pregnant. I stopped doing EVERYTHING at once. But I still lost the baby. I'm sure it was due to the condition my body was in from the drugs. So we both stopped the whole meth thing. We had some pissed off people who we would call "regulars". But I had priorities then. I then knew I wanted to be a momma and that couldn't happen unless I quit. Although I did know a couple of women who were pregnant and did meth throughout their pregnancies and had healthy babies. But I wasn't about to risk it. Plus if I wanted to be a mom I wanted to make sure i was a good and sober mom.
I still smoked pot and took some pills but NEVER touched meth again.
Then I found out I was pregnant again. When I found that out I wouldn't take anything but my prenatal vitamins. LOL Up to then I thought I had had the happiest times in my life. But there is no feeling or no drug that can compare to the feeling of a life growing inside of you. My pregnancy days were the happiest days/months of my whole entire life.
I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of march of '08 and had her October 28th. Now THAT day was and still is the happiest day of my life!!! <3
Well, I am beat, I'm going to sign off and go to bed. We're getting pretty damn close to the iceberg. I will continue in the morning.
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Since T.C. wasn't a big part of my life, I'm going to make this a short one...
In a nut shell, I got a job and busted my ass. He also got a job but got fired not soon after. Then I found out from his sister that he was cheating with some dope ho who had her kids taken away and was doing nothing but getting high with my boyfriend and fucking him. So I got my last check from work and took the first Greyhound bus back home where I already had a job waiting for me. So all in all I was doing good for myself.
When I got home, I got picked up from the station by my mom and went straight to work from there. When I got there I realized an old friend of mine worked there as well. So since my step dad and I didn't get along she invited me to stay with her. Then low and behold I found out ANOTHER old Friend lived just right around the corner from us. She had just had a baby so I spent time over there helping her out with her newborn. Through her I started seeing a shit ton of my old friends. I loved it!! After the Indiana bullshit I was very happy to be home and around nothing but familiar faces. At this time I would drink every now and then and smoke pot, nothing too serious. Then one day at my friends home around the corner was a guy I had known from when I was doing meth. He offered me some and I said no. This went on for about a week of him pressuring me and pressuring me. So I finally caved. I did a HUGE line and then wished I would have said yes the first time he asked. So I was back at square one. Then a very familiar face showed up. My BEST guy friend K showed up one day. We hung out almost every day after that. I always thought of him as "just a friend". Until one day my friend tried jocking on him. I then realized I HAD to have him!!! So He chose me of course. =) K is now my fiance' and the father of my child. I have known him for going on 11 years and been with him going on 8 years.
Anyway, we all did dope together every day and every night. There wasn't a whole lot of alcohol involved then. Just A LOT of meth and pot.
It didn't take long for K and I to become official. I fell in love with him so fast as did he with me. Soon I started to stay with him just about every night. I moved in with him a few months into the relationship and haven't spent more than a day without each other since.
When I started staying with him is when we started selling meth. Looking back, we are SOOOO lucky we didn't get busted or even worse, killed. It was more fun selling it than it was ding it. We had thousands of dollars at a time. We could go anywhere and do anything we wanted. Those were the funnest times of my life... I just didn't realize what it was ding to me. For example, I always had perfect vision. I now need glasses. That's due to smoking meth.
I already had and still have generalized Anxiety Disorder, the meth amplified it by 100. I still to this day have that disorder but I don't think it would be as bad if I hadn't been so strung out. Like I said before, I was just a teenager who thought I was invincible having the time of her life. I didn't realize what the long term was going to be. And those are effed up eyes, an anxiety disorder amplified and deep dark depression. Don't get me wrong though, the rush of going out and making a sell all spun out and making easy peasy money was awesome... AT THE TIME.
We did this for a few years then I found out I was pregnant. I stopped doing EVERYTHING at once. But I still lost the baby. I'm sure it was due to the condition my body was in from the drugs. So we both stopped the whole meth thing. We had some pissed off people who we would call "regulars". But I had priorities then. I then knew I wanted to be a momma and that couldn't happen unless I quit. Although I did know a couple of women who were pregnant and did meth throughout their pregnancies and had healthy babies. But I wasn't about to risk it. Plus if I wanted to be a mom I wanted to make sure i was a good and sober mom.
I still smoked pot and took some pills but NEVER touched meth again.
Then I found out I was pregnant again. When I found that out I wouldn't take anything but my prenatal vitamins. LOL Up to then I thought I had had the happiest times in my life. But there is no feeling or no drug that can compare to the feeling of a life growing inside of you. My pregnancy days were the happiest days/months of my whole entire life.
I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of march of '08 and had her October 28th. Now THAT day was and still is the happiest day of my life!!! <3
Well, I am beat, I'm going to sign off and go to bed. We're getting pretty damn close to the iceberg. I will continue in the morning.
REMEMBER: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!
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